I don't know what to do with myself.

Have you ever noticed when you are singing in the car, the louder you have the music the better. You crank the music up so that you can truly enjoy it, and you can't stop yourself from singing (especially when you are alone in the car). You think you sound great, even though you haven't really forgotten that you don't know the first thing about pitch, but everyone enjoys the ego boost. But then you come to a red light, and you turn down the music, because you don't want the guy in the next lane thinking your a weirdo for singing to "Friday I'm in Love" at the top of your lungs. And if you are like me, as soon as the light turns green you zoom away and jump right back into the song, forgetting to turn it back up. Then it hits you, like the cold bitch slap of Old Man Winter on the first day of snow; you sound awful. You tone it done a bit (who am I kidding, you turn yourself down to a whisper), like your afraid your going to shatter the windows in your car. Or at least this is what I do.

Anyways, so lately I've had this desire to unleash my creative side. Its been driving me insane. The last few years, my college years, this need has been met by just simply writing in the back of my school notebooks, or just some simple doodling in the margins of my notebooks. This is all fine and dandy, but they are just a temporary fix. As many of my high school friends remember, I used to draw comics and write a rather epic (and currently unfinished) story. Those were my glory days, never had my creative side been so happy and content, well maybe making movies would rival that as well.

But this is my problem, currently I have no major creative projects line up. I have nothing going on except school and work, which school has to be my main focus in life, but that leaves my creative side to whither. Many ideas have come to my mind, and left without saying goodbye. But I'm not trying to tame my mind, rather put it to use before its gone. I missing my comics and my story, not that I would do the same story today, but I miss the process of coming up with a story line, nurturing it, and watching with glee as it evolved.

So I bet your sitting there thinking, "Well why don't you just write a story or draw a comic." Well you wouldn't be the first to say that to me. It goes back to my story about singing in your car. The loud music is my structure in my car, my safety net, the thing that make its fun. And before, my comics and story where in the structure of my close friends, and we used to joke about how much trouble I would get in if they fell into the wrong hands. I would probably have been sent for a psychological evaluation. Well when you take away that structure, my comics are just out there in the open, for anyone to see and judge. For people to like or dislike, and for people base judgments of myself. I guess I don't fear that they will be disliked, I just don't want to put my work and therefor myself out there anymore. Its one thing for people to look at one of my violent comics from high school and dismiss it because I was just a kid, but now I'm an ADULT, and that type of behavior is frowned upon in society, no matter how opposed I am to society's incorrect ideals.

A simple solution would be to pick and choose who I showed my comics to. I could do that, but I want to do so much more with my stories. Just looking at all the people who are getting famous off of youtube and other internet sites, I want to see if there is a market for my talents. I want to have a side hobby that could pay the bills if I can't get a real job from my future degree right away. Like how you see characters in movies who are laid off from their day jobs, and return to their first love of writing novels. Well I want to do it with comics, but more like your sunday paper funnies comics. But just as like with my singing, just because I enjoy doing it, doesn't mean I'm good at it in reality. Once you take away my structure, the positive feedback from friends long ago, I might not sound so good.

Even if I do sound good, this brings up the main problem I have, let down. I have a long history of not finishing many, if not all, of my leisure projects. I have a book shelf at my parents house with tons of books I've read half way through. More than 60% of the video games I own, I haven't finished (I'm taking about the main story, not just the random crap that no one does). I own roughly 50 movies that I haven't even watched. My queue from my netflix account is well over 100, and instant watch queue is close to 200 movies I still haven't watched. Need I go on?

The point is I need to focus on school first hand, and I can't allow it to become another number in my growing stats of unfinished stuff. This is why things in my life are falling to the side, including friendships. I'm just afraid. If I start something like writing comics again, every ounce of my heart doesn't want me to stop, and if I do stop (yet again), I will be heartbroken, and I don't know if I can handle that. I shouldn't beat myself up over it, but I'm sick of failing. I want to complete something, or at least have a higher completion percentage, than the lop sided percentage I have now. I need the ego boost.

I guess I just have to bite the bullet and start something again.... wish me luck.